April began with a whirlwind of visitors during the school holidays, and then, after everyone was gone, I was left with a house turned upside down and an anger that I couldn’t explain. This converted into a physical fever. I had to do something, but wasn’t sure what. After spending two days in bed reading, I got up and began to tidy the house while listening to inspirational talks on Hay House Radio. And somewhere during that time, I managed to pin point my anger. It was directed towards myself. I had not been honoring myself and had instead, been a martyr. I have now come to an understanding that it is useless to begin to try to love myself without first honoring myself. And to do this, I only need to ask myself a simple question, “Is this okay?” And if it’s not, then I need to say something or change it instead of being a victim. I think many of us can learn from this.
After a visit to my trusted collage therapist, I also discovered that I am not grounded at the moment. My ‘assignment’ is to do some physical work, to get my hands into the earth. The most obvious way I can do this is by gardening. I am not a gardener, although I’ve often wished I was. The garden was a place that I had always left up to my husband. It was his territory, his passion. Now, the girls and I will begin to spend our days, out in the autumn sunshine, on hands and knees. I will start by weeding and aim to just be present and in the moment, enjoying the beauty of nature and the earth.
Yesterday, I drew a card out of a deck that gave me this message – ‘This is a time for giving up control and letting go. Give up the sense of urgency, suspend usual activities and pause to reflect. By doing this you will open up to the random and mysterious gifts of the universe. Move forward by standing still.’
6 Responses to Gardening
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Leila Summers
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I always had you figured for the Chief Garndener…maybe because you have that inner glow!
Insightful post. I can really relate. I hope the garden looks beautiful.
Gwynneth
I just finished your book, it was so heartfelt and touching. Thank you for sharing your story. I know how painful it is to love someone with BPD, and how hard it is to survive the relationship somewhat in tact, especially when children are involved. You are an incredible woman. Peace to you and your daughters always. xo
Thank you Elle and thanks for stopping by!
Gardens can be overwhelming. Some of the best advice I got many, many years ago was to focus on one small section at a time. It is grounding and elevating work all at once. I hope you grow to love it as I do.
I finished your remarkable book and am trying to let my thoughts settle before I draft a review.
I’ll tell you what others tell me that continues to amaze me, “Thank you for writing it.”
Thanks Christine! My garden is so big that it can be overwhelming. So rather than focusing on an outcome, I spent days in one little corner and found that I became completely involved in what I was doing and forgot to think or worry about anything else. Great practice for living in the moment!