April began with a whirlwind of visitors during the school holidays, and then, after everyone was gone, I was left with a house turned upside down and an anger that I couldn’t explain. This converted into a physical fever. I had to do something, but wasn’t sure what. After spending two days in bed reading, I got up and began to tidy the house while listening to inspirational talks on Hay House Radio. And somewhere during that time, I managed to pin point my anger. It was directed towards myself. I had not been honoring myself and had instead, been a martyr. I have now come to an understanding that it is useless to begin to try to love myself without first honoring myself. And to do this, I only need to ask myself a simple question, “Is this okay?” And if it’s not, then I need to say something or change it instead of being a victim. I think many of us can learn from this.
After a visit to my trusted collage therapist, I also discovered that I am not grounded at the moment. My ‘assignment’ is to do some physical work, to get my hands into the earth. The most obvious way I can do this is by gardening. I am not a gardener, although I’ve often wished I was. The garden was a place that I had always left up to my husband. It was his territory, his passion. Now, the girls and I will begin to spend our days, out in the autumn sunshine, on hands and knees. I will start by weeding and aim to just be present and in the moment, enjoying the beauty of nature and the earth.
Yesterday, I drew a card out of a deck that gave me this message – ‘This is a time for giving up control and letting go. Give up the sense of urgency, suspend usual activities and pause to reflect. By doing this you will open up to the random and mysterious gifts of the universe. Move forward by standing still.’
If you'd like to read this blog as a story, click here to go to the first blog post and continue reading in chronological order.
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